Reality

Learning to trust myself with bipolar disorder

Two years ago, I woke up and realized something was wrong. It’s hard to describe. My brain felt like it was filled with squiggles and electric sparks. I got up and told my husband, “I think I’m having a mixed episode.” It was the one that led to my hospitalization two months later.

It scares me to look into my journal from those months and realize how sick I was. I was convinced I was evil. I felt my husband and daughter would be better off without me. Even after I started stabilizing in the hospital, I called him and said I would find a studio and move out because I didn’t want them to be near me.

It’s really hard for me to reconcile that version of me with the way I am now. Someone who makes up silly songs about her HRT (“I put the thingy up my thingy”), who loves to try on new lipsticks and plan what she’ll eat next.

I think when you’ve grown up fighting with your mind, you tend to conflate intensity with authenticity. I need to remind myself that just because it hurt more, does not make it more real.

Maybe the truest me really is the one I like being.

I used to think the biggest challenge of having a stigmatized condition like bipolar disorder is convincing other people to trust you. But now I know, it is trusting myself. It’s getting easier. Every ordinary day, each episode I am able to manage without chaos, shows me the way forward.

I am gradually wrapping my mind around the idea that no matter what happens, I am safe. Even if the worst happens, I will always find my way back again.